Letter #21

Dear Erica,
I wrote you such a long letter last time that I thought I would spare you from reading another for a few days. Sooooo Thursday was really rainy here, so we mostly just chilled at home. My family went bowling but I was being a moody teenager and decided to stay home because my dad was annoying me. I drove my mom to Walmart and didn't do as well as I could have. There was this dude pushing shopping carts in the parking lot and I was trying to drive past him but he was in the middle of the street. Instead of getting to one side he tried to push the carts faster, so I sort of followed him a little still trying to get past him. My mom started yelling at me to just stop moving and let him get past. He finally got to one side and my mom says out loud, "go on" so I did. Apparently she wasn't talking to me though, she was talking to the dude, because we both started moving causing my mom to freak out and yell at me for almost hitting the poor man. I felt so stupid. After texting my camp friends about how bored I was, we went to dairy queen at like 9:30 which was honesly like the most exciting moment of my day. Yesterday we were supposed to go horseback riding but it was still pretty rainy so we decided to go to the library instead. They were having a scary movie festival with lots of food. It was super cute, but these were not just scary movies. These were HORROR MOVIES!! Cuddle buddy, I'm sure you are aware of how I feel about scary movies in general. Oh man, I was so scared. The first one we came into was just ending and I felt pretty cool because I was totally not scared and just thought the special effects were dumb, but I also didn't see the whole movie. The second one was The Ring, which is only rated PG-13, and it's not really gory at all. But I was SOOOO scared. I googled the movie while I was watching it so I could find out what happened and I wouldn't be startled. Regardless, I did that thing where you cover your eyes with your hands leaving only tiny spaces to see through them during most of the movie. After it was over I went outside for a little to calm down, and when given the option to go home, I STAYED FOR THE SEQUAL!! Eric, I didn't cry or anything!! I watched the movie and calmly covered my eyes when a particularly scary image appeared. Today, Saturday, I woke up and got dressed and went to shul. It's a pretty tiny shul, but sometimes there are cool people that visit. Like many many times this summer, I went with high hopes and got there to find 5 people that weren't my family members there. They were all old and some live here. I went back to the house to change and we went to the blueberry festival parade which was so cute. I felt like SUCH a loser after I did some self reflection. You know when the parade people throw candy for little kids to gather? Not only had I been scavenging candy as well, but I had gathered it in my skirt. Like a 5 year old does. You know, when you hold the end of your skirt and make sort of a bowl for the candy. Uchhhh I was so embarrassed after. I stuffed it all in the pocket of my sweatshirt and pretended it wasn't mine. I came home again, tried to read our AP book, got through one page, and gave up. My fam wanted to go to this rock concert by the water so I decided to go too. While my grandparents drove there and everyone else were behind me, I walked there. The whole way. By myself. Thats like a good 20-30 minute walk. TALK ABOUT HAVING NO FRIENDS! When I got there I sat with my grandparents for like 10 minutes and got super bored and had to walk around. Somewhere in my heart I expected the rest of my time there to play out like this: I was walking around by myself and prince charming came up to me while I was standing there looking attractive and asked if I was here by myself. After telling him about myself and him telling me about himself, we both fall in love and frolick into the sunset together. This day dream of mine has come in many many different forms this summer. Every day I expect it to happen in a different way and I anticipate it every moment only to be let down every single day when it doesn't happen. So as you can imagine, no prince charming came to keep me company, I walked around by myself until I ran into my mom who yelled at me in front of a really cute guy who was running an activity there and she told me I want honoring my parents and I should have kissed her and said goodbye before leaving. Waita ruin my fantasy--oh wait it was never real! Woo! I spent some time with my dad watching the concert and then we walked home and ate ice cream. We are leaving tomorrow and I have already been getting emails about school and stuff I have to do.
I feel so dumb putting this all on the Internet but I really need to talk to someone about it. Even if it's just taking to myself right now. I really thought this summer would be amazing and that we both would have so many adventures and new experiences. I feel like I've missed out and I can't get these moments back. With all of my closest friends away, I wasted so much time feeling lonely and not doing anything. I do think I have grown this summer. Even if I was just away for 2 weeks, I learned how to travel on my own and how to be more independent. I learned to be tougher and not take crap from people. I learned that sometimes people don't know when they are being annoying and I can't just let them but with me without saying something. I continue to learn how to stand my ground and stand up for myself. Even if I didn't get my adventure like I hoped I would, I think I'll be okay. I know that I will have many more exciting summers--and experiences in general--in the future. I have faith that even though it has taken me longer, I will someday find what I'm looking for.
I miss you to the moon and back!
Love,
Stephanie

P.s. I am SO ready to stop sharing a house with all of my family, and to not have to reside in a hallway anymore.